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Bruce Bialosky

A Bialosky Thanksgiving

Our family always looks forward to Thanksgiving. This year we are particularly due to the challenges of 2020 and all the things we are thankful for including the Dodgers winning the World Series. Our beloved governor, Gavin Newsom, issued mandatory requirements for a safe Thanksgiving.  We as a family have decided to comply with them completely as we always want to follow the guidance of our government for which we are also very thankful.

The first thing we did was sit down and determine who could be included. The rules as outlined on the California Department of Public Health website say clearly that gatherings of more than three households are prohibited. That means we could only have one household from my side of the family and one from the Beautiful Wife’s. Since BW has more households on her side I left it to her to make the final cut.

We had to give the ax to Aunts and Uncles. My Aunt Ethel had to go as well as BW’s Uncle Fred. We actually were thankful for this rule here. Fred and Ethel invariably end up getting in a fight over something that happened in the 1950’s that no one else can remember. They yell at each other from across the table.  Raising your voice or singing is prohibited under the new mandatory requirements. We cannot allow that. Aunt Ethel also tries to hog the leftovers and wants to take over the kitchen. They got the heave ho.

Anyway Grandma and Grandpa were cut out because the rules say anyone who is older and at high risk for COVID should not attend. Don’t worry; we bought each one of them one of those scrumptious Swanson Turkey dinners.  They looked so good we thought about using that at our dinner, but after much debate decided on cooking the meal ourselves.

Next we had to have our kitchen hermetically sealed to prevent anyone wandering in there and exposing the food. We had a problem finding a company to come close to Thanksgiving due to outrageous demand. The owner of the business we chose told us his business has exploded and he can barely keep up. He started a side business selling masks and faceguards. We bought one for each guest to make sure they were properly protected from the other guests.

We had already selected our turkey. We did it in a very holistic manner. Our turkey was brought up on a farm where he was allowed to roam free. We met Jerry when he was just a toddler. His father, Tom, was very proud of him. We visited him regularly as he grew older and had his wild period in his teen years. Jerry died of natural causes and we gathered with his family at his bedside as he passed. We all joined hands and wings reciting the Lord’s prayer as Jerry went to the afterlife of being a Thanksgiving turkey. A proud turkey he was.

When our guests arrive we will direct them to our powder room where they will be instructed to wash their hands. We have set up a TV where Governor Newsom will be on a continuous loop showing us how to properly wash our hands. Where would we be without our Governor?

We again referred to our Newsom-given rules and were told our dinner must be outside. We set up seats for everyone six feet apart. We knew the poolside seats would be in high demand so we maximized those seats. We also acquired megaphones for all guests since they would be spaced out so far from each other it would be difficult to hear anything said by anyone on the other side of the yard. On the other hand, based on prior Thanksgivings, we cut out megaphones from a couple guests to save everyone else.

We will remind each guest that they should not take their masks off during the meal as previously told to us by Governor Newsom. We will tell them just to lift it up with one hand and insert the food into their mouths with the other hand. Of course, we will remind them to completely chew their food. Governor Newsom must have made a video showing us how to comply with those guidelines; we are trying to locate that so we can show it to our guests who will be socially distanced. Thank God for his leadership at this critical time.

We were befuddled by one rule. We were told to collect the names and contact info for all attendees. Since they were all family we already had that info, but we put together a sign-in list anyway because we wanted to be in full compliance. We also will have each guest sign a pledge under the penalty of perjury that they had not coughed or sneezed in the last 48-hour period.

Our wonderful Mayor here in Los Angeles, Eric Garcetti, has told us he will be enforcing these mandatory rules. First, he let the police off for the day. Who knew? He never uses them anymore anyway. He has enlisted multiple departments including the trash collectors (they are the Sanitation Dept.) to drive around neighborhoods and make sure no one is exceeding the limits for their Thanksgiving dinner. He has these teams set up to call the Dept. of Water and Power to shut off the electricity and water to these law-breaking homes trying to squeeze an extra grandparent into their Thanksgiving celebrations. Mr. Garcetti stated “We will not condone these wild events. If we need to we will shut these dinners down. Some people just don’t understand we are all in this together and they are endangering everyone.”

We know that following all these rules will make this the best Thanksgiving ever. Once again the blessing of our government in California will not go unrecognized on this special day.